Corpses on Mars

After landing on the moon way back in the middle of the 20th century, the general feeling among scientists - and indeed the public, was that it was only a matter of decades before humans conquered Mars. 

Space travel however, was very much in its infancy - not like now where humans have populated the far reaches of the galaxy. A journey to Mars was once frightfully expensive, fraught with danger and mind-bogglingly complex. It soon became apparent that a Martian mission was a hell of a lot more tricky than the Apollo landings.

For a long while Mars was largely ignored. Instead hotels, theme parks and golf courses were established on The Moon. Although initially a lunar outpost for such frivolity certainly favoured deep pockets, mankind was nonetheless making attempts to populate the solar system. Soon however, thoughts of Mars began to creep into the minds of daydreamers.  

Now, it was quite possible to transport a man to Mars, but to get him there alive - let alone bring him back safely, was a big problem. Fatalities during those early test missions were a genuine possibility and, as it transpired via freedom of information requests there were plenty. 

The first of many ethical headaches for scientists was finding volunteers who would risk their lives during those early tests. It was rumoured that the risks were never fully explained to those early space adventurers, if at all.  

An initial plan of sending terminally ill patients as test pilots to lay the groundwork for a Martian colony was briefly discussed although this was quickly dismissed as impractical. Then somebody suggested using convicted criminals as guinea pigs, an idea that would also help ease overcrowding in prison camps.

So prisoners were removed from jail to assist scientists in conducting endurance tests. Many criminals ended up being sent to cosmic graves - an unexpected solution to the overcrowded big houses. Often the early Martian flybys would result in death via solar radiation. Others perished from experiments with cryogenics as scientists toyed with the idea of putting astronauts into stasis for the voyage.

The convicts kept on coming - only for the most petty of crimes would a judge send you to a prison camp. The Treasury was fully aware of the savings this scheme was making despite the niggling guilt of some politicians. This guilt soon waned when surplus funds contributed the typically above the rate of inflation pay for politicians.  

Soon felons were being sent to scientists working on all manner of projects - some more frivolous than others. These tests were all conducted without public knowledge. Those who did know were made to sign the Official Secrets Act.

After many years of tests, a woman who'd been convicted of credit card fraud landed at the smooth plain of Arcadia Planitia on Mars' northern hemisphere. Although she suffocated an hour after touchdown following the expiery of her oxygen, it was a monumental moment in human history - albeit only known to a select few who patted each other on the back at such a grandiose achievement. Fittingly, like so many trailblazing women throughout the course of scientific history she was never given the credit in her lifetime.  

Many more landings were completed until the infrastructure was in place to allow white  men of importance to return home safely. It was now time for a team of real astronauts to make that monumentus voyage.

More money was plowed into that mission than the total of the all the previous missions in the program - well, the safety of the crew was paramount. There were to be no deaths from here on.

Millions watched live when the ship carrying that heroic team touched down on the Martian surface 120 days after leaving Earth. Oh what a triumph of human accomplishment! Hooray! People cheered and hugged and danced and wept as they watched the captain plant his flag into that alien land - the first man on Mars! Little did they know of the sacrifice that had been made to achieve that glorious moment in human history.     

The Idiot Box: I love the 21st century season!

A selection of programmes from the century that brought the human race to the very brink of extinction.

Celebrity Meals. A reanimated Gunther Von Haguns presents this cookery programme with a twist. Contestants must create original dishes using the exhumed bodies of dead celebrities.   This week the mystery food bag contains Jeremy Beadle’s good hand, Katie Hopkins’ prejudices and Jamie Oliver’s tears.

Friends On Benefits. Gritty reality dating series.  

You’ve Been Framed! Hilarious hidden camera show in which unsuspecting members of the public are framed for crimes they did not commit. In this episode a man from Brixton is unwittingly set up as a sex offender, lynched then strung up by his bollocks. Hosted by Paddy McGuiness. 

The Executioner. Reality series in which convicted criminals plead for the public vote. The two criminals with the lowest number of votes must face the jury with the loser executed in the finale. This week's guest executioner is Peter Andre.

   

Coach Trip: Destination Calais [FILM]. Big budget action movie. Dennis Hopper's hologram plants a bomb under the coach that will detonate if the gang's speed drops below 50mph – will Brendan act in time to save the day?

Mad Marx [FILM]- Mel Gibson unsuccessfully attempts to shed his anti-Semitic image by portraying Groucho Marx in this biopic of his life.  Gibson’s rendition of “Hooray for Captain Spaulding” instantly became a new low point in the multi-talented racist, misogynist and homophobe's career.

Ray guns

From childhood we are taught to be accurate and lethal with our ray guns for impending wars over resources.  

After our fifth birthday we are made to spend four hours on the shooting range every Saturday morning. Of course, children aren't equipped with live ray guns - these are only permitted for the over twelves.

It was drilled into each student that this was an absolute necessity, that when the wars come these ray guns would save our lives. As youngsters, who were we to question such logic? The need to master these weapons seemed just the same as learning long division or the feudal system.   

This practice has its origins in the USA, although Russia and China both had programs devoted to the armament of its young in development around the same time.  The UK duly added it to their curriculum following pressure from its allies. 

This created a rather lucrative market for children's ray guns with Apple's iRay becoming the playground's must have accessory. This despite its rather miserly battery life.

My grandparents were among the first generation to become proficient in these deadly arts. In fact my grandmother - as my grandfather often boasts, excelled as a marksman and - as I have witnessed, can still hit a given target from well over 200 feet.

But when the first actual shots will be fired on the battlefield I do not know - perhaps once negotiations for television and sponsorship rights are concluded. 

Conscription has been mooted for when - or indeed if the time ever comes. Under current laws however, it is only those claiming unemployment benefits who will have to enlist in the armed forces. Should the unemployed choose not to serve, they risk losing their benefits.

I still have my ray gun, boxed along with the rest of my redundant possessions in the attic gathering dust. Despite the media running articles almost daily that the war is imminent, I remain hopeful that my ray gun may never be called into action.